Sexy Kitchen Cabinets

The day started early - and ended rather early, too, as it is only 7pm and I am quite done - and included a preparation of finger sammiches (cucumber, turkey & muenster, portobello & goat cheese, egg salad), all too many finger sammiches, a detour to Arlington before commencing the planned event of the day: PICNIC IN THE ARBORETUM.

I won't bore you with the picnic in the Arboretum story. There isn't much to tell because I trust you can imagine a 70-degree day completely immersed in all sorts of nature. Lots of maples, lots of oaks, lots of trees I couldn't even begin to try to name, lots of flowers, LILACS!! An orgy of sights, sounds and smells to tickle the fancy of anyone not completely dead.

Anyway, back to Sexy Kitchen Cabinets. On the detour to Arlington pre-Arboretum, I stumbled across an appealing (because I aspire to be a totally respectable housewife) cover of Traditional Home magazine. I lost myself in a world of wall paint colors and restored historic colonials. But every other page turned I found myself at once ooh-ing, then gagging, then ahh-ing, then frowning.

What could have possibly made me so upset (besides the smattering of what I think was bad taste/cheesy accents in some rooms featured), you wonder? Or maybe you're not curious at all.

It isn't a matter of being upset, per se, anyway. It was a bit... off-putting?

We read Vogue, Cosmopolitan, GQ, Maxim, Elle, etc. etc. Heck, even National Geographic. And we expect certain things from these publications, including the content of their enclosed advertisements. We expect lots of shoes, handbags, accessories and designer clothing ads from such magazines (excluding NG, of course) and they're all sorts of sexed up - subtly, not quite so subtly. That's okay because sexy men in sexy jeans sells jeans. Sexy bitches in sexy blouses sells blouses. Sexy bitches' legs topped (bottomed?) with sexy shoes sells shoes. You get the point. (Pointed out NG as a non-fashion example. We know there's no sexiness in there - just lots of pretty pictures taken by not so glamorous folks.)

But sexy men "wearing" sexy tiles to sell... tiles?

What was so shocking in Traditional Home was in their advertisers. Sex sells. We hear it a lot and we are fed it all the time. But to superimpose tiles onto a bronzed and toned man's unbuttoned shirt (yes, I wish I had a picture of this guy's tile shirt) to sell your tiles through his hard abs and seering gaze is just WEIRD.

Same goes for the super-swanky bedding collection advertised (don't ask what companies these were - their marketing vision clearly didn't work out as planned) by a woman with long flowing locks rested on the pillow (but next to her face, as if placed there by the hair & makeup team participating in the shoot..) in a shift dress sitting upright with legs straight in front of her and in bed next to her, a scruffy hot gangster man with tattoos and guns for arms sleeping in a languid position, sheets twisted around his hot bod.

What was the point they were trying to make, exactly? I have no freaking idea.

I wish I retained more because I am dead serious when I say it was like this with every other advertisement - dripping with sex, sultry stares and... siding? Hardwood floors (ha, I said "hard" and "wood" - why don't they use THAT to their punny advantage?) Wallpaper?

But to end this rant and fascination, I leave you with my favorite ad that came at the very end, the inside back cover, from our friends at Kohler and their AWESOME ads. Upon further investigation, I can now see that the advertising of Kohler products is rife with creativity and awesomeness.

How fun it would be to work on these types of projects. This goes up there on the best jobs ever list along with working for OPI as a nail polish color namer. Come on: Melon of Troy? Bastille My Heart?

For other fun colors and fun color names vist OPI

Other fun magazines: Wallpaper, Juxtapoz

That's all folks.